How I Met Your Mother

Short, sweet, and cool.

Just like the Bizarro World version of Ted. However, he did teach me one important thing when learning to drive SCREAMING IS FUUUUUUN!!!

The Cosby Show

That's the worst fucking sweater I've ever seen it's a Cosby sweater, a COSBY sweat-tah. (Haha. Just realised Lisa Bonet is in both those things. Totes unintentional but appropriate reference then. God, I make this shit look easy amirite?)



Remind me to start dancing like Bill next time you see me down the discotheque k?

Birds of a Feather

'Write the feem toon, sing the feem tune'

LOLZ

This theme makes me feel like I've forgotten to do my maths homework and I don't know what the shit I'm sposed to do or how the fuck I'm going to do it. A sinking sad worried ball of knots in my lower tummy feeling. I don't like it.

I do however love Dorian. TRUTHS. That bitch was hella awesome and kind of how I model myself now. We could all learn a little from that whore. DOUBLE TRUTHS.

Soap

Every morning when I open my eyes to a brand new day I would hella love some cheesy voiced dude to do narration of this sort to bring me up to date on events thus far in my life.



This was basically the Arrested Development of its time but with more Billy Crystal and Blossoms dad and less Richie Cunningham. For any math fans out there you can equate it in these terms terms:

(Billy Crystal + Nick Russo - Richie Cunningham) x Flares = Soap

Soap laughs ≠ Arrested Development laughs

Because AD is the best duh. (But Soap was pretty cool too I guess).

Blankety Blank

How fucking futuristic is this shit? Also, I'm pretty sure Terry Wogan's wig is the source of all his powers



I want to go there.

The Simpsons

It seems ridonkulous I haven't done these already. In case you're unaware, they are kinda iconic. For good reason:



Gotta love some Danny Elfman scoring n all.

Animaniacs

Dude, anyone of a certain age knows all the words to this little doozy:



Truth.

'Wakko packs away the snacks / While Bill Clinton plays the sax' might just be the greatest couplet this side of Shakespeare.

Also Dot is Agnes Skinner? WORD. One thousand times WORD.

Family Matters

And stop. Hit mark. And turn and smile. Now you, and you, and you.



Good. Now we all understand the Urkle references in The Simpsons/ Cosby Show et al circa 1989-1998.

I love sassy looks to camera even more (alright, about as much) as I love little dogs in hats. Plus, how effing funky is this song? I am jamming to this sweet tune as we speak (try not to imagine this lest it causes you to be sick in your mouth).

Community

Another paper based title sequence following on from next week. What is it with paper and new shows in 2009? No-one told me it was celebrate paper artistically month (no-one tells me jack). I like this a lot though (from 3.48):



I also like bad raps in broken foreign languages as titles roll at the end.


Nearly as good as this.

Bored to Death

It's not enough for him to act and write but my boyfriend also composed and sings this very cool theme song. Max Fischer needs to REE-LAX amirite?

I'm not sure about Bored to Death yet. On one hand, it's got my boyfriend Max Fischer (akakaka Jason Schwartzman) AND my boyfriend Zach (akaka 'the funny weird one from The Hangover? You fancy him? Um... oooooh kay'), on the other hand; the pilot was uneven AT BEST and though I often find Schwartzman's 'gee, huh? golly' schtick charming it is less charming when there is a girl being held captive and tied to a bed and basically being raped (? I think? There seemed to be that implication) and you are offering to share your pot with the girls captor and 'gee, huh, gollying' all over the place. That seems less cool. I know I'm a hairy-legged humourless feminazi bitch face, and yes these dungarees are chaffing but still, something about that situation doesn't sit well with me.

The titles though? They do sit well with me. And that's what counts right? (That is totally the only thing that ever counts ever. Science)

80 Days Around the World

I have no idea what accent that freak-ass lion is supposed to have. I will not venture an opinion as to why his pupils are so dilated. Maybe that's an issue all anthropomorphic Victorian lions had? Also, that cat has too young a voice to come across as so sexually confident. Fact.

While we're here, many thanks to Iberia - The Airline of Spain. For some reason.

Still, bitching song though. I always sing it when I see Philleas Fogg crisps in the supermarket (much to everyone else's chagrin) andn there is nothing I enjoy more than a cartoon mouth not even attempting to move in time with the cartoon voice. Also fact.

Night Court

If you want to add a touch of class to... well, anything, then start it off with some slap bass. Slap bass is the future (in OppositeLand) (I will never forget when I went with my brother to buy a new bass and the assistant, for some reason, decided to serenade us with some slap bass to illustrate the wonder of the particular bass he was trying to seel. As we left my bro was like '... and now I'm going to be singing the Seinfeld song for the next 24 hours'. Word bro. Word.)

Anyhoo...


I don't know nothing bout Night Court cept it being a feature of a 30 Rock episode and I also recognise John Laroqquette (or however it's spelt, I've had 3 glasses of wine and a heavy meal on a Monday, leave me alone for chrissakes) as being on Chuck and everyone was all 'WOW! John Lacroquette! Citing!' ('everyone' = 'the internet') and I was all 'who?' but now I sorrt of know I guess. Anyway, 'mazing this. I really miss the way sitcom titles used to be colon left-hand parenthesis.

Nurses

Even if you came from a long time ago in a galaxy far far away the minute you watched this you would be all 'early 90's american sitcom' nary within the first two seconds of viewing this tv title sequence. Because seriously? Seriously. While the rest of the world sank into an ever increasing economic and literal depression - Prozac-ed up the eyeballs whilst wearing DMs and ripped jeans from Oxfam - American TV stuck resolutely to the idea that what we needed was MORE sitcoms with people smiling and nodding to camera. To be fair, I find nothing more soothing than a lady singing an anodyne song whilst people smile and nod at me. Maybe that IS what the world needs more of. Hollywood execs - our happiness (i.e. 'unquestioning compliance and sedation through the tv medium') depends on you!

Also, holy shazzbot! Florence Stanley was in this too? Chick got around!

The Bill

I don't think I've ever (voluntarily) watched The Bill. In a very real, tangible sense, I just don't give a shit. It looks lame. Sometimes, if I am FORCED to sit through the execrable excuse for a telethon 'Children in Need' by so-called 'friends' then I will see all the 'can't get work doing anything else, not even on a proper soap but sometimes panto though that's yearly and doesn't put food on my family after February so what do you expect from me huh?' actors from this show doing a song-and-dance routine to something 'unexpected' (except it's not unexpected is it? They do it every god damned year). Anyway, the word 'meh' was invented to describe my exact feelings on all British soap operas but especially The Bill.

What I don't feel 'meh' about is Bill Bailey. Even when he's talking about The Bill.


I can kinda see (hear) what he means.

Past


Present

Everwood

I hate August. There's nothing on tv and when I work from home I like to have something to watch while I'm eating my lunch (I can't hold a book and utensils at the same time despite years of trying) so it's basically this or stare at my wall. My wall is nice, it's got pictures on it and everything, but I don't always want to spend half an hour staring at it blankly. Sometimes, obviously, just not all the time.

Anyhow, that's why I ended up recording and watching this... how to describe it? Pile of turd is a bit harsh but possibly not far off. I can't work out what sort of tone it is trying to strike or whom it's intended audience is supposed to be. It's about a hot-shot doctor dad who moved to this town called 'Everwood' (no-one has confirmed whether it's named due to it's male inhabitants having a constant erection - but no-one has denied it either so could be the case) after his wife died and he manages to wake this kid up from a coma but the kid is possibly not as well as everyone is making out cos he keeps beating the shit out of people and things?

Barrel of laughs it ain't. But then, every now and again, wacky incidental music will play and you'll know you're meant to find this particular scene gently amusing. Couple of days ago they did it all the way through an episode where an old guy who was a bit loopy confessed to a murder but it turned out the 'victim' was actually a dog. But you already knew that cos the stupid incidental music had already tipped you off so the reveal was less a 'reveal' and more a 'thank God that's over'. Still I watch it. That's what August does to you.

Anyways, these titles make me want to be sick in my mouth. It's so folksy you expect to be given a dreamcatcher through the tv every time it plays. And yet, as I have already stated, I still watch it. Stupid August.

The Chipmunks

Jason Lee is no Dave.

First he breaks my heart by being one of them bloody Scientologist loonies (c.f. 'Beck') THEN he stars as Dave? He wants to break my heart then break my head? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU JASON LEE? WHY HATH YOU FORSOOK ME?

Cartoon theme song kicks ass though amirite? (It is the exact opposite of 'Bad Day' the song which opens the 'live action' film and has been known to make ears bleed)

Round the twist

I could say 'they don't make them like this anymore' but they might. How would I know? Alls I watch is The Hills and The Wire (I refuse to watch any program without a definite article in it). I have seen bits of Raven (that is because I fancy the half crow/half man Raven. Only when he's a crow though obviously*). Still though, they really don't make them like this anymore do they? Do you remember the one where she fell in love with a merman but he wasn't quite a merman yet and he had to wear white gloves to hide his scales and then dived into the sea at the end after they kissed for the first time and it was sad. I do. That was so sad.

On a brighter note, the song is officially the best.


*This is a joke. I'm not some kind of sick bird lover. I like them a normal and healthy amount.

Knot's Landing

So, I was gonna do this thing about how the sound of a sax playing soft jazz makes me feel like I'm wearing leggings and a scrunchie, sat next to my mum on a patterned sofa with her permed hair and face adorned with Deidre Barlow glasses about to watch this. It's a very visceral Proustian rush. I can see the wicker furniture and word processor left open on the dining room table. I smell an M&S lasagne bubbling away in the oven. Even just the 'woooooah' of the 'O' flying over your head and through your tv makes me feel very safe and secure in a little 3 bed semi detached house in a provincial english town. However, 21 seconds in and this happens:


and now I'm back down that darned rabbit hole.

Sorry. What? Alec Baldwin used to be in Knot's Landing? Not MY Alec Baldwin though right? Some other Alec Baldwin surely? There's enough Baldwin brothers that one of them must have been named Alec again after they got through all the other names in the baby book and had to start the naming process again, RIGHT?

NO?!?!

How do I remember everyone else face but never remember him being in it (who could forget Constance McCashin though? Let's be serious about this).

This guy is not a forgettable guy

why has my mind blocked him from this show, the show that along with Moonlighting and Perfect Strangers, makes me feel like a child again (it is possible I was one of those indoorsy type kids).

This is my boyfriend Alec Baldwin, the one I'm going to marry when he gives up acting and becomes a househusband (I am not so sure about the 'mommy works' part of the equation but I'm sure we will figure it out. Our love is strong). How could I not know about this?

Kids, mommy needs a lie down in a darkened room. No no, leave the picture. I'll erm... keep it safe.

P.S. What or where is a Knot's Landing? No one ever explained that to me.

Veronica Mars

If you call this 'tv for girls' I will kick you in the face (I probably won't kick you in the face, I do yoga sporadically and even then - chubby girls ain't never gonna make it as ninjas). This rivals The Wire for characterisation, overall story telling and being honest. Though, maybe not 'honest' in the way The Wire is (i.e. 'this shit actually goes down'). I don't know of too many high schools that have motorcycle gang leaders from the wrong side of the tracks AS WELL AS the offspring of famous movie stars but then, I don't know many high schools full stop. I live in a provincial town on the south coast of England. For all I know Baltimore is in fact all white picket fences and ticker tape parades rather than drug dealers and violent crime. What the fuck do I know you know?

Fact is. I love this show. And I love the titles. Fits 'like a glove' as Ace Ventura would say (1994 called, they want their pop culture reference back)

The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin

Simple but efffective and Leonard Rossiter gets his kit off. All topped off with a 1970's 'plinkplonk' noise at the end (there is no sound so 1970's as the BBC 'plinkplonk' noise. Deal with it Rick Wakeman). Could you want for anything else?

Maybe this:


I bloody love Cinzano Bianco. Maybe even as much as I love Joan Collins (which is a lot).

True Blood

Even if my boyfriend hates it, I think the opening title sequence is stunning. Is a little saucy.

Moonlighting

Ain't nothing like a slow jam from Al Jarreau.


I have no idea what half these images have to do with a sparky comedy-drama detective show. Barring the ones that actually contain the stars of said show of course.

Mad Men

Another awesome one. Like the show itself, they's just don't make tv art of this quality enough.

However, 'embedding disabled by request' being the bane of my existence it won't let me post anything more than a link so you get two for the price of one with The Simpsons version as well (embedding also disabled by request, who knew this would one day be a sentence with meaning?) which, it has to be said, is as good if not better.

Even though I hate The Simpsons nowadays being, as it is, an unfunny pale imitation of its former self.

Which reminds me too much of myself for me to be comfortable watching it.

Wonder Woman

This is just plainly, fucking cool.

The Wonder Years

Remeber when the world didn't suck? No, me neither. You realise that the world has always sucked quite a bit right? Probably even the pond slime that started this whole 'evolution' trip was like 'remember when all thiss was just pond slime? Now there are plants, DAMN PLANTS RUINING MY LAWN. They have no respect for us, their elders, WE CREATED THOSE PLANTS! Now look at them, just growing all over the show, them plants need to remember where they came from!' etc etc ad infinitum throughout time. My point is; the future is always better (as a general rule) and yet we always eulogise the past, thinking that their was some golden era that occurred *just* before this new generation of whippersnappers took hold and RUINED EVERYTHING. It was all fine and dandy till the kids showed up, amirite? Well, if that's true everyone stop creating new life. There's your answer. Or maybe, just maybe, stop being scared of change. We've got the reins now, there is very little chance of us messing up worse than you did so chill the fuck out.

Having said all that, remember The Wonder Years? Tuesday's at 6. A plate of chicken kiev and chips in front of you, ready to bust out a slow jam to this kickass tune. Those were the days right? The world justs pales in comparison to what it was back then.



Isn't weird when nostalgia becomes nostalgia? What's also weird is that Kevin (aka Judge Reinhold's kid from Vice Versa) now directs my new favourite sitcom? I find that weird.

MacGyver

You know how you can guarantee a show will be kickass awesome?

When the protagonists name shoots out of a space (?) explosion.



You've got mullets, frosted tips, running, jumping, climbing, chillaxing by the wings of light aircraft. More running, jumping off ships (small but important distinction), ice cream cone enjoyment an finally a sigh. A well deserved sigh Richard Dean Anderson if I may say so.

I bloody loved MacGyver and yet I remember little about the show itself. I more know it through pop culture references of the 'well if you've got two elastic bands and a pen then MacGyver will fix it for you' variety. Which seems a shame becaue the titles would indicate this is a show of breathtaking exhileration from start to finish. With frosted tips as an added incentive. Can't get better than that.

Ellen

Ok, look, I know alright? Seriously, trust me, I know. So you really don't have to say anything but, in a very real sense, I don't care. I liked this show, I probably watched every episode of this show at least 3 times on Paramount (and I'd probably still watch it now if I didn't know how to download my televisual entertainment these days). I laughed a little *too* heartily when, in Veronica Mars, Logan said 'the best thing about being in jail? Four days worth of Ellen on the Tivo' because I was like 'Yes! that WOULD be the best thing about being in jail'. But anyway, this still makes me laugh. And if my life were made into a sitcom (which I'm still not entirely unconvinced it hasn't been already and I'm living out my days in some kind of wacky Truman Show existence) this is the titles I would have. But maybe with me in the funny hats pulling faces and not Ellen Degeneres.

Neighbours: Retro

*WARNING: CONTAINS HIGH LEVELS OF MULLETUDE*

Christ. It makes 5 minutes last forever. If you manage to sit through the whole thing then you did better than me (I have things to do, I can't sit in a Neighbours titles time loop for, what feels like, seven thousand years). After a while it gets a bit Lynchian and surreal. Just like a standard episode of the show then.



The jazziness levels go like this:
very high
higher
little lower
low
more like soft jazz

I wonder if there's some kind of correlation between western socio-economic levels and the jazziness levels of Neighbours titles? I'd be surprised if there wasn't. Art and economic cycles tend to run in parallel.

Sazz' final thought: Rick Alessi, to this day, would get it and get it hard.

Flight of the Conchords

Another one I'm including just because they're really really good. I've used the Season 2 credits because it look like the characters of 'Jermaine' and 'Bret' are being played by the parallel universe versions of 'Jermaine' and 'Bret'. A hair cut can change a man so.

Plus the drums kick a little harder at the beginning.

Plus Jermaine does this hip wiggle move that makes my heart stop.



Did you know they were the phone 4 u guys in that advert that everyone sang constantly for about 5 months back in 2004? I didn't. Now I do. And so do you too. Boop boop bee doo.

The Nanny

This is one of the best songs to play the earworm game on my family (where you hum a song very lightly around your intended target and wait patiently for them to get that song in their heads driving yourself, and others, slowly but surely insane - particularly where The Nanny is concerned).



I'm not sure why The Nanny has been in my life so much of late. I recently stumbled across a facebook fan page that informs me CC awesome enough to go gay for and working as a drama coach in Texas, that there are a lot of catwalk fashions that Fran (or *adopts nasal voice* Fraaaaan) shoulda worn, and that Dresher in real life wasn't just a implied whore but an actual slutbag in the parlance of some of my closest friends.

I know the nicest people.

Rude Dog and the Dweebs

For whatever reason, best not ask why, I was watching this on Saturday night and now have a new life's mission: learn the words to Rude Dog and the Dweebs theme song.

It is the best.

Mork & Mindy

Sometimes I can go for days, weeks even, without humming the Mork & Mindy song in my head but it always returns. I don't know how and I never know when but I know one thing: it'll come back to me. I don't always recognise it at first, this pleasant tune that whirls around my mind for hours at a time but then realisation will strike and I put more and more effort into NOT thinking about Mork & Mindy which just makes me think about Mork & Mindy more and more. It will resolutely stay with me for an indeterminate amount of time. It will drive me to the point of madness and then, without warning, it'll go again.

It's just a thing you know?




Come in Orson, nanoo nanoo.

(Lol @ Robin Williams on drugs. Less lol @ Robin Williams not on drugs (c.f. everything Robin Williams has been connected to whilst sober - Patch Adams I'm looking at you)).

Laverne and Shirley

I can't believe I've not posted this one till now:



Though that's mostly because of seeing this on Friday for the 109878th time (approx.):



Question: How many times have you hid in your closet waiting for your best friend to come home so you can smash the closet door and the front door together?

Answer: No, me neither.

Making our dreams come true indeed.

[For the record it's 'Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated' I don't know what that means either and suspect the lyric site might have just made it up the way I have been doing for the past 16 years]

Suddenly Susan

You know how they renamed 'UKTV Gold' to 'Dave'? Cos it's for blokes that are salt of the earth and like women and fucking and fucking women and cars and Jeremy Clarkson and fucking Jeremy Clarkson? (That's a smaller, but sizeable subset, of their target demographic). Well I reckon they should rename 'Living' to 'Susan' or maybe 'The Susan Channel' or maybe 'Things that Women Named Susan Might Like and You Probably Will Too Even If You're Not Named Susan But Sort of Look and Act the Way a Woman Named Susan Might Do'. The last one might be a little difficult to get on the Sky Planner but if they shorten it to 'TTWNSMLYPWTEIYNNSBSOLATWWNSMD' then that's that problem sorted.

Why aren't I the controller of a mildly popular cable channel yet? Someone, somewhere is missing a trick not snapping me up.

Anyway, that's got shit all to do with shit. Except for the fact that whenever I hear the name 'Susan' now my ears are on red alert to confirm that's what they've decided to call 'Living' (it is only a matter of time).

The reason we are all here of course is because of Suddenly Susan (well, that's the reason I am here) which popped into my head because of Lost. Holy shit I love Season 5 of Lost. My main man Locke is kicking ASS as the undead. Locke has always been who the show is mainly about to my mind, the rest of them offer distraction and misdirection but it's always been 'The John Locke Experience' instead of 'Lost' as far as I'm concerned. And I also kind of fancy Frank the pilot without a beard (I won't tell anyone if you don't). But yeah, back to the point, it turns out it's true, Richard Alpert DOES NOT AGE. Even on mid-90's sitcoms he still looked the same and still had the eyeliner fetish (Richard Alpert, seriously, what is with the eyeliner? I like black eyeliner as much as the next Amy Winehouse fan but really though, truthfully, what is with the eyeliner? Or, should the question be, not WHERE is the eyeliner but WHEN is the eyeliner? The answer, to both, is 'around the eyes' and 'always, even in 1996' respectively). His real name is 'Nestor Carbonell' which I read as 'Nestor Carbuncle' which is a much better name I think you will all agree (particularly if you want to live as a guest star on The Mighty Boosh, and who doesn't, because I think a 'Nestor Carbuncle' would fit right in there).

Here are the titles:



If you hadn't already guessed it's about a race of giants who come to San Francisco and terrorise the inhabitants with their swishy mid-90's fashions and twirling. Oh the twirling. Does anyone twirl that much anymore (apart from these guys I mean)? I try and avoid it if I can, I have enough problems just walking in a straight line for the most part - add in a spontaneous twirl and you got troubs on your hands.

I did used to watch this. Aged 16 (when this first aired) I did not have a life (this has not changed much in the following ten years), I watched a LOT of tv but this in particular had my fandom due to the delectable, delicious, walking disaster area that is John Bender. I mean Judd Nelson. Swoon.

The show kinda lost it's swing after that kid topped himself and Judd left. Not that it had much swing to begin with but to lose the little it had made it considerably less enjoyable. Particularly when you could view the rest of the cast carrying the guilt around that one of their number had committed suicide and they'd not done anything to avert it (if you like making other people feel guilty suicide is a good option, only downside is that you're not around to enjoy it much). That kind of thing can put a damper on proceedings at any rate. Hey, I wonder what my boyfriend Judd is up to nowadays...

OH MY EYES!

How did this:


Become THIS:


Well, it would appear Judd Nelson is no longer my boyfriend, he is now your boyfriend and your boyfriend kind of looks like a homeless person that has been given the nickname 'The Professor' for his love of standing on street corner and shouting about how the end of the world is nigh (but uses words like 'imminently' when doing it, hence the clever nickname). I hope you are your boyfriend are very happy being crack-heads together. Me and my boyfriend are just peachy-keen.

Early Edition

I'm not someone who lives by a lot of rules (this is a lie) but I do abide by one:

If it's narrated by Fisher Stevens then back away. BACK THE FUCK AWAY.



It does raise some interesting questions though, what would I do if a cat delivered my newspaper every morning and my best friend was Fisher Stevens? Kill myself probably. I can't think of any other course of action one could take really.

Beauty and the Beast

This wins in the 'making you throw up in your mouth' category. Like, a lot. It will make you throw up in your mouth a LOT.



From the moment I saw her she captured my heart; her beauty, her warmth and her really shit clothes. I don't care if it's the 80's you're automatically banned from walking through patio doors all wistfully in a white dress with matching long cardigan that has SHOULDER COVERS. It looks like my great-granny's sofa arm covers. That she crocheted herself. At age 93. And now you're wearing ON YOURSELF. Whoops. People can actually see you. BACK THROUGH THOSE DOORS AND GET CHANGED OR COME THROUGH THEM LOOKING LESS SMUG. Those are your choices 'Katherine', deal with it.

And feel your heart break as she smiles knowingly to herself AT A DRAIN. Jesus woman, you're like 30? There's no suitable guys in New York so you have to start dating the hairy ones that live down sewers? I'm not judging, I could do with all the help I can get in that arena, what do you reckon the chances are of me finding one of those in the Portsmouth area? Uh Katherine... can you hear me? Or are you just going to go into a subpar Jackie Collins-esque monologue... Right. Ok. Fine.

... Although we can never be together we will never ever be apart. Except for when you are actually apart right? Apart from those times.

I did not know that this was Hellboy. Brain doctors, you're services are needed cos my mind has just been blown.

(I will never admit to anyone, no matter how much torture is inflicted, how much I used to love this show. I was a weirdly sincere kid for how cynical, bitter and sarcastic I actually turned out)

My Two Dads

How did I get two dads?

Because we live in a society that now welcomes diversity of all types and encourages children to be brought up in a loving two-parent home regardless of the gender of those parents?

WRONG! You effing hippy. They inherited me silly!

Now I have one dad who's down to earth - but happens to be Paul Reiser - bad luck I know, and the other has his head in the clouds. And also a mullet upon that head. Don't say it, I already know.

Did I mention we live in an apartment owned by the judge who made all this happe? And 'she' lives in our apartment building. That's pretty messed up right? You'd think so given the complex emotions involved with family law but to be honest, 'she's' sassy enough that all it usually leads to is hilarity. That, and the occasional life lesson which both me and my two dads learn from.

Did I mention the also-sassy cafe owner we regularly frequent is played by a guy called Dick Butkus? That's actually his real name and not a prank call Bart made to Moe. Swear to god you guys.

Also, if we're honest, you might not be able to count on me but you CAN count on the following things:
- Cosby sweaters
- fake doodling as picture frames
- jazzy saxaphone music

Mostly because it's the 90's and this is how we do things here.

Dexter

This is one of the more elegant contemporary title sequences on offer today.

Simple yet effective and perfect for the show that follows.



(Thanks to Tim for the suggestion)

Models Inc.

Worst show ever?

The titles certainly seem to suggest so.

Greatest American Hero

You're trying to tell me you don't know what this is?

But... but... didn't you grow up in America in the very early 80's?

No, me neither. I wasn't even a foetus when this was first aired let alone capable of conscious thought.Yet, curiously, this is oftentimes what I find being my brain screensaver (the song that goes round your head when you're not thinking about anything else).

Observe.





Yeeah. All of that just happened.

Seriously. It happened.

The guy who's youtube channel I pilfered this off describes G.A.H. in extremely succinct, and exciting terms:

'A teacher is asked to be a superhero using a special alien suit with powers he can barely understand or control, after losing the instruction manual. He is aided by a Government Agent. Along with his lawyer girlfriend, they together figure out not only how to control the suit, but to right wrongs. Very great show!!'

Very great show indeed. How could it not be with that premise? That's basically the premise of every great work of art from the last 250 years. Fact.

I think what I enjoy the most is that the aliens are obviously big Ku Klux Klan fans as this is where they have stolen their imagery.

Ku Klux Klan symbol:




Wacky alien spacesuit symbol:

Aliens are so racist. It's all magical spacesuits and marginalising people based on the colour of their skin or religious beliefs with them. Those are the only things that the aliens are interested in. It gets a bit boring after a while.

Still though, even with a magic KKK suit that Ayran hero William Katt uses to 'right the wrongs' of the world in (with hilarious consequences) it still led to the world to this, my favourite of favourites:

Lost

Ladies and Gentlemen THIS is how it's done.



And I mean everything. This is how everything must be done now; breathing, crochet, shoes. Name something, anything. Right, this is how that now has to be done.

Just so we're clear.

Charles in Charge

How many times have you walked through a front door and then made direct eye contact with another person on the other side of the door and pointed at them as if to say 'oh there you are you little tyke, have you seen my glossy hair and superwatt smile? It's nice isn't it? You want to be me. I know it, you know it but let's just stand awkwardly here on this side of the door without making a move to close it even though there's a bit of a nip in the air'?

I do it at least seven times a day.

I learned the art of this from glossy haired sitcom supremo Scott Baio. You'd do well to pay attention to this man: his door-walking-through-leading-into-pointing skills are second to none.

Now ask yourself a question. Do I want to have more than one song running through my head from this point on until the day I die?

If the answer is 'yes' then you best not watch these titles. You will never stop singing the Charles in Charge theme song if you do. I spent eight years in fake medical school learning exclusively about the effect of hearing the Charles in Charge theme song once on the human brain. Years of fake experiments in fake medical school taught me that, if only the first three bars are played, Charles in Charge theme song will continue to be your brain screen saver for the rest of your life. This is scientific fact. I did not make any of these fake claims up.

You have been warned:



I told you didn't I? But you had to see for yourself. I hope your happy now knowing that song off by heart. You and that song are going to become mightily well acquainted over the next few decades. You might as well accept that that is the song you have as your first wedding dance, it's the song that will be playing when your first child is brought screaming into the world covered in blood and unidentified goo, it's the song you'll be humming under your breath as you lay withered and incontinent on your death bed. Your grandchildren will be sat around you trying to listen to the words of advice they assume you wish to impart them before you leave this life for the next and those words will be:
'New boy in the neighboorhood lives downstairs and its understood hes there just to take good care of me, like hes one of the family'
That's the last thing you'll say to your grandchildren. I just hope you're happy with the decisions you've made in the last two minutes because this is your fate now.

You're welcome.

The Lion Man

Admittedly this isn't the greatest title sequence of all time. It's just a selection of clips from the tv show and normally that doesn't fill me with Television Title Sequence joy.

But then you listen to the song.

I cannot stop singing the song.

The world needs more songs like this, songs like this could probably end global warming and wars if enough people heard them. That's just science.

Beverly Hills 90210: Past and Present

Let's get this out of the way immediately. Now this. is what I. am talkin' 'bout:



This shit is for REAL. I ain't never turning down a little deck scratching but when the saxamaphone kicks in don't you just get little chills? (In actual fact I involuntarily clothes my eyes and make a little 'white man funk face' whilst swaying. Unironically. It just seems to be the most natural reaction to saxophone music, thus is my genetic destiny as a caucasian person) . My whole body seems to be screaming THIS IS A SHOW I MUST WATCH WITH MY EYES RIGHT NOW cos my ears are havin' a total eargasm over here. Eyegasms cannot be far away.

That they are not.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Goes the Mariopaint mushroom drums as we get shots of the outside storefronts of Cartier, Gucci, and um... Fred (anyone?). Very glamorous. You stood on a street corner and filmed that. I could do that shit outside Somerfield 'n all but never mind. We get it: glam is the name of the game. But what is this? A family does family things as a family and dressed in some of the ugliest clothes you or I have ever laid our eyes upon (*spoiler alert* this is not the end of the sartorial torture). They hug on sofas and poke fake flowers in little pots (anyone else assuming she's on her 4th Tom Collins of the day and trying to figure out if they're real or not? I do stuff like that when I've had a tipple or two all the freaking time), they barbecue with perturbed looks on their faces, they power walk in the shell suit me and Sophia from The Golden Girls both had in 1990 (8 year olds and 80 year olds in the 90's dressed alarmingly alike). (Or maybe that was just me).

It's not all family time though. Look as these teenagers get up to their wacky high-jinks; slowly turning in hallways (God. Remember the days when it was ALL about turning slowly in a hallway? That was the 1990 version of pokemon if I recall correctly. All the rage amongst the 'cool kids'. I could turn pretty slowly in a hallway but not slowly enough so I never really got the respect I felt I deserved from my peers. That still smarts a little), throwing oneself down on one's bed dressed like a boxer from the 1800's (for some reason) and catching basketballs and smiling. What I wouldn't do to catch a basketball and smile right now. It looks so freeing for a man in high school who looks old enough to have fathered most of the other kids that are students there.

That's what the boys did but what of the girls? Mostly they fluffed their bangs ('fringes' for those not americanised enough from years of watching shit like this), wore fucking ridiculous hats that look like they are attempting to swallow your head and roll around on beds whilst talking on the phone in their jimbly-jamblies. We've all done that though right girls? Sometimes I just hold a phone to my ear and do log rolls from one side of the bed to the other just to get enough oestrogen pumping in my system to stop my moustache from growing too unruly (that's a pretty standard beauty tip but for those ho didn't know I figured I'd enlighten you).

Blah blah blah jock, blah blah blah geek girl, but now get ready because GRAMPA HAS COME TO TOWN BABY. And he's been watching far too many Happy Days reruns. Just because one guy in his 40's slicks his hair back and gets a lot of pussy doesn't mean you gonna sunshine. What he is actually mouthing in this clip (I can lipread after all the CIA training I did... fuck. I wasn't sposed to mention that. I dropped out before they got to the 'discretion' seminar) is; "Sit on it. Ehhh. Exactamundo. Now come to my office which is actually just the bathroom at Al's. I MEAN THE PEACH PIT". Sci-en-tif-ic FACT.

Blah blah blah, more geeks. Brian Austin Green is pretty cute though. I'll give them that. I would also totally date a guy who ore a mustard shirt with jeans and a tweed jacket. That's a brave fashion statement for a brave kind of guy.

Here she is though, light of my life, stealer of my heart (and of Shannen's hat. She's wearing the same one Brenda had on earlier). I have nothing bad to say about Tori Spelling (nothing that hasn't already been said anyway). Did anyone see that sitcom where she played herself and Sylar was her GBF? Did I dream that? It seems like the kind of dream I would have but I'm sure it actually existed. Maybe not... if a sitcom exists and no-one sees it did it ever really exist at all? That's a mind-puzzle that's been confounding scientists for centuries now but I can say pretty definitively that yes. Of course it did. There's proof and everything.

Blah blah hugging, blah blah foreplay (is James Eckhart wearing a sweater under his shirt? Please tell me that's NOT his chest hair! Christ on a bike), Carol Potter nodding the exact number of syllables in her name as the aforementioned name appears on screen, then we see where Ross Gellar got the inspiration to begin his music career (has anyone ever looked cooler than that guy playing a keyboard?). Blah blah family, inappropriate sibling love and fade out...

Now compare it to the new titles.



My eyes and ears are throwing up up into their mouths. (THAT'S RIGHT, MY EYES AND EARS HAVE MOUTHS. DEAL WITH IT.) This is not a show I want to watch. It is a show I want to burn. And I have been glued to The Hills of late (I STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT PROGRAM - IS IT REAL OR NOT?! SOMEONE TELL ME PLEASE). This is the kind of shit that gives people ammunition to say that things were always better 'back in my day'. Things were not better 'back in your day', the future is always better.

Unless of course we're talking about gay rights in California or the Beverly Hills 90210 redux. It seems a little too cowinkydinkle that they're both from the same place.

Our mission then is clear: destroy California. The future depends upon it.

[P.S. I gots to thank my main man Paddington's Shadow for the inspiration on this]