This wins in the 'making you throw up in your mouth' category. Like, a lot. It will make you throw up in your mouth a LOT.
From the moment I saw her she captured my heart; her beauty, her warmth and her really shit clothes. I don't care if it's the 80's you're automatically banned from walking through patio doors all wistfully in a white dress with matching long cardigan that has SHOULDER COVERS. It looks like my great-granny's sofa arm covers. That she crocheted herself. At age 93. And now you're wearing ON YOURSELF. Whoops. People can actually see you. BACK THROUGH THOSE DOORS AND GET CHANGED OR COME THROUGH THEM LOOKING LESS SMUG. Those are your choices 'Katherine', deal with it.
And feel your heart break as she smiles knowingly to herself AT A DRAIN. Jesus woman, you're like 30? There's no suitable guys in New York so you have to start dating the hairy ones that live down sewers? I'm not judging, I could do with all the help I can get in that arena, what do you reckon the chances are of me finding one of those in the Portsmouth area? Uh Katherine... can you hear me? Or are you just going to go into a subpar Jackie Collins-esque monologue... Right. Ok. Fine.
... Although we can never be together we will never ever be apart. Except for when you are actually apart right? Apart from those times.
I did not know that this was Hellboy. Brain doctors, you're services are needed cos my mind has just been blown.
(I will never admit to anyone, no matter how much torture is inflicted, how much I used to love this show. I was a weirdly sincere kid for how cynical, bitter and sarcastic I actually turned out)
Monday 30 March 2009
Tuesday 24 March 2009
My Two Dads
How did I get two dads?
Because we live in a society that now welcomes diversity of all types and encourages children to be brought up in a loving two-parent home regardless of the gender of those parents?
WRONG! You effing hippy. They inherited me silly!
Now I have one dad who's down to earth - but happens to be Paul Reiser - bad luck I know, and the other has his head in the clouds. And also a mullet upon that head. Don't say it, I already know.
Did I mention we live in an apartment owned by the judge who made all this happe? And 'she' lives in our apartment building. That's pretty messed up right? You'd think so given the complex emotions involved with family law but to be honest, 'she's' sassy enough that all it usually leads to is hilarity. That, and the occasional life lesson which both me and my two dads learn from.
Did I mention the also-sassy cafe owner we regularly frequent is played by a guy called Dick Butkus? That's actually his real name and not a prank call Bart made to Moe. Swear to god you guys.
Also, if we're honest, you might not be able to count on me but you CAN count on the following things:
- Cosby sweaters
- fake doodling as picture frames
- jazzy saxaphone music
Mostly because it's the 90's and this is how we do things here.
Friday 20 March 2009
Monday 16 March 2009
Sunday 15 March 2009
Greatest American Hero
You're trying to tell me you don't know what this is?
But... but... didn't you grow up in America in the very early 80's?
No, me neither. I wasn't even a foetus when this was first aired let alone capable of conscious thought.Yet, curiously, this is oftentimes what I find being my brain screensaver (the song that goes round your head when you're not thinking about anything else).
Observe.
Yeeah. All of that just happened.
Seriously. It happened.
The guy who's youtube channel I pilfered this off describes G.A.H. in extremely succinct, and exciting terms:
'A teacher is asked to be a superhero using a special alien suit with powers he can barely understand or control, after losing the instruction manual. He is aided by a Government Agent. Along with his lawyer girlfriend, they together figure out not only how to control the suit, but to right wrongs. Very great show!!'
Very great show indeed. How could it not be with that premise? That's basically the premise of every great work of art from the last 250 years. Fact.
I think what I enjoy the most is that the aliens are obviously big Ku Klux Klan fans as this is where they have stolen their imagery.
Ku Klux Klan symbol:
Wacky alien spacesuit symbol:
Aliens are so racist. It's all magical spacesuits and marginalising people based on the colour of their skin or religious beliefs with them. Those are the only things that the aliens are interested in. It gets a bit boring after a while.
Still though, even with a magic KKK suit that Ayran hero William Katt uses to 'right the wrongs' of the world in (with hilarious consequences) it still led to the world to this, my favourite of favourites:
But... but... didn't you grow up in America in the very early 80's?
No, me neither. I wasn't even a foetus when this was first aired let alone capable of conscious thought.Yet, curiously, this is oftentimes what I find being my brain screensaver (the song that goes round your head when you're not thinking about anything else).
Observe.
Yeeah. All of that just happened.
Seriously. It happened.
The guy who's youtube channel I pilfered this off describes G.A.H. in extremely succinct, and exciting terms:
'A teacher is asked to be a superhero using a special alien suit with powers he can barely understand or control, after losing the instruction manual. He is aided by a Government Agent. Along with his lawyer girlfriend, they together figure out not only how to control the suit, but to right wrongs. Very great show!!'
Very great show indeed. How could it not be with that premise? That's basically the premise of every great work of art from the last 250 years. Fact.
I think what I enjoy the most is that the aliens are obviously big Ku Klux Klan fans as this is where they have stolen their imagery.
Ku Klux Klan symbol:
Wacky alien spacesuit symbol:
Aliens are so racist. It's all magical spacesuits and marginalising people based on the colour of their skin or religious beliefs with them. Those are the only things that the aliens are interested in. It gets a bit boring after a while.
Still though, even with a magic KKK suit that Ayran hero William Katt uses to 'right the wrongs' of the world in (with hilarious consequences) it still led to the world to this, my favourite of favourites:
Monday 9 March 2009
Lost
Ladies and Gentlemen THIS is how it's done.
And I mean everything. This is how everything must be done now; breathing, crochet, shoes. Name something, anything. Right, this is how that now has to be done.
Just so we're clear.
And I mean everything. This is how everything must be done now; breathing, crochet, shoes. Name something, anything. Right, this is how that now has to be done.
Just so we're clear.
Monday 2 March 2009
Charles in Charge
How many times have you walked through a front door and then made direct eye contact with another person on the other side of the door and pointed at them as if to say 'oh there you are you little tyke, have you seen my glossy hair and superwatt smile? It's nice isn't it? You want to be me. I know it, you know it but let's just stand awkwardly here on this side of the door without making a move to close it even though there's a bit of a nip in the air'?
I do it at least seven times a day.
I learned the art of this from glossy haired sitcom supremo Scott Baio. You'd do well to pay attention to this man: his door-walking-through-leading-into-pointing skills are second to none.
Now ask yourself a question. Do I want to have more than one song running through my head from this point on until the day I die?
If the answer is 'yes' then you best not watch these titles. You will never stop singing the Charles in Charge theme song if you do. I spent eight years in fake medical school learning exclusively about the effect of hearing the Charles in Charge theme song once on the human brain. Years of fake experiments in fake medical school taught me that, if only the first three bars are played, Charles in Charge theme song will continue to be your brain screen saver for the rest of your life. This is scientific fact. I did not make any of these fake claims up.
You have been warned:
I told you didn't I? But you had to see for yourself. I hope your happy now knowing that song off by heart. You and that song are going to become mightily well acquainted over the next few decades. You might as well accept that that is the song you have as your first wedding dance, it's the song that will be playing when your first child is brought screaming into the world covered in blood and unidentified goo, it's the song you'll be humming under your breath as you lay withered and incontinent on your death bed. Your grandchildren will be sat around you trying to listen to the words of advice they assume you wish to impart them before you leave this life for the next and those words will be:
'New boy in the neighboorhood lives downstairs and its understood hes there just to take good care of me, like hes one of the family'
That's the last thing you'll say to your grandchildren. I just hope you're happy with the decisions you've made in the last two minutes because this is your fate now.
You're welcome.
I do it at least seven times a day.
I learned the art of this from glossy haired sitcom supremo Scott Baio. You'd do well to pay attention to this man: his door-walking-through-leading-into-pointing skills are second to none.
Now ask yourself a question. Do I want to have more than one song running through my head from this point on until the day I die?
If the answer is 'yes' then you best not watch these titles. You will never stop singing the Charles in Charge theme song if you do. I spent eight years in fake medical school learning exclusively about the effect of hearing the Charles in Charge theme song once on the human brain. Years of fake experiments in fake medical school taught me that, if only the first three bars are played, Charles in Charge theme song will continue to be your brain screen saver for the rest of your life. This is scientific fact. I did not make any of these fake claims up.
You have been warned:
I told you didn't I? But you had to see for yourself. I hope your happy now knowing that song off by heart. You and that song are going to become mightily well acquainted over the next few decades. You might as well accept that that is the song you have as your first wedding dance, it's the song that will be playing when your first child is brought screaming into the world covered in blood and unidentified goo, it's the song you'll be humming under your breath as you lay withered and incontinent on your death bed. Your grandchildren will be sat around you trying to listen to the words of advice they assume you wish to impart them before you leave this life for the next and those words will be:
'New boy in the neighboorhood lives downstairs and its understood hes there just to take good care of me, like hes one of the family'
That's the last thing you'll say to your grandchildren. I just hope you're happy with the decisions you've made in the last two minutes because this is your fate now.
You're welcome.
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