Chuck

I don't have anything snarky to say. I think these are really well done. In fact, I think they're the best titles on offer at present. Also, I guess here is as good as place as any to state - for the record - that I am head-over-heels for Zach and wish to marry him forthwith.

Sweet Valley High

Could there be two different girls who look the same?

Err.. yeah if they're, you know, twins and that (unless they're Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito).

I've been singing this a lot today. Don't ask me why I've been binging on early 90's tween tv recently (maybe because, according to this, 'the idealization of a time period generally comes about 20 years after that time period ends, and as scary as it seems, we're getting pretty close to being two decades out from 1990' or maybe because I'm an unemployed bum with little else to occupy my mind. Most likely it's a little from column A and a little from column B). At any rate, when the time comes that I'm hunting down my purple docs and wearing electric blue fishnets under ripped jeans (yes really) we can start worrying properly (actually, that sounds awesome. Now I've got a clothing project for tomorrow! Yay!). However in this instance I think it's because of this. Although our twins weren't so keen on beating other stripper bitches up or indeed dating the same guy AT THE SAME TIME (I don't think... Plus, I reckon Jessica had this latent lesbo vibe that hot, strong women with firm jaws often do so, if anything, Liz really only had to worry about her stealing away sweet lil' Enid and teaching her dirty, dirty things)...

Sorry I got caught up in my own lesbian fantasy there. Where was I? Ah yes, Sweet Valley High. The books, the television show, the soundtrack; it all permeated my primary school years (ok, not so much the soundtrack but I needed something else for the 'rule of three'). Twas not a corner on the playground, a line waiting patiently for lunch, nor the allocated Friday afternoon reading sessions where one could not find a pile of Sweet Valley High books were one to ransack the belongings of a bunch of 8 year olds girls (and if you were to do that, you SICK FUCK). I loved it. Hell, everyone with two 'X' chromosomes (and some with 'XY' chromosomes and a whole lot of fabulous) loved it. Along with the books (them, 'Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit', and Paula Danziger books were my literary OBSESSIONS around then. Oh god, now I'm going to have to raid the loft and hunt those bad boys down. I'm officially renaming tomorrow 'Nostaligia Day' and I'm going to wallow in it until all my eyebrows grow back and that awful fringe my mum cut for me returns) was of course the tv show and in turn, the tv show's title sequence.

[Just for a second pretend it's Saturday morning, you're there with a bowl of shreddies in your Take That pajamas laughing at something John Barrowman has just said and then Emma Forbes turns to camera with a cute lil' pixie grin and introduces this...]




and you're like 'Holy fuck. This is awesome'.

Most notably, I've just realised why I used to edge my photographs in my scrapbooks on just two sides in pastels like that.

So yeah, we've got twins. Blonde, skinny twins. Immediately you're thinking 'where's the shot of them in a bikini? And er... why aren't they all incestuously snuggling?'* but don't worry because BAM! 10 seconds in and we've got bikinis, seven seconds later... the snuggling commences. PHEW!

Then we get the ironic (in the Alanis Morissette version of the word where it's not really that ironic... ironically) 'could there be two different girls who look the same?' lyric, visually juxtaposed with them being all different and stuff. One wears white, the other black! They walk in different directions! One hugs people, the other grabs her own ass and stands away from crowds! THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!

But that's not all. Francine Pascal's SVH isn't just about ass-grabbing twins. Look! What light through yonder window breaks? Tis Amarilis; she enjoys using a lot of product in her hair, looking from left and right, and sighing. With talents like that she really only needs one name. Let's face it, one day she's going to make it BIG... and I do mean Madonna, Oprah and Fonzy big (it's just she needed to take a bit of a break after doing that Fresh Prince episode in 1995 and is still working towards the making it big thing. It's on her to do list alright? Just, shut up ok because her agent has some very promising leads and yeah, he hasn't been in touch lately but that's totally fine because she's got some really important and fulfilling things to do like watching The View and Tyra).

Then it's this smug muthafucker who has THREE names to make up for Amarilis having only one. Fuck me, WHY did we like step haircuts? (I'm sure I've posed this before). You just know that someone with teeth that white and skin that tanned is a total dick in real life (personally I much preferred the Jeremy Garrett version of 'Todd Wilkins' as this floppy haired bitch just made me all eye-stabby). Don't worry though because Brock Burnett (and I thought having ridiculous names and seeming kind of gay was a recent thing!) looking to all the world like your friendly neighbourhood serial date rapist has rolled into view. THEN, THEN, come the lesbians. Or at least the college 'experimentation' brand of lesbians. They probably ended up married with two kids but will always look back fondly on their days of wearing love bead chokers** and twirling around in waistcoats being guided gently into the scary and exciting world of 'lady lovin'' by a German girl called 'Olga'.

Or not.

The token nerd, the token latino ('person of color' if you PLEASE), laughing, running, jumping, skating and then...

*CUE POORLY WRITTEN AND ABYSMALLY CHARACTERISED PROGRAMME*

Bliss.



*For the record, I don't get why twins top the male lesbian fantasy league because isn't incest kinda gross? Like, evolution and socialisation has made it gross so why is this particular incest type shizz ok? Or do I just not want to know? Yeah, ok, never mind.
** Not that I'm knocking chokers. Around that time I had a black velvet one with a rose in the middle. A style goddess even then.

Title Sequence + Art

= something really really beautiful.

The Art of the Title Sequence

I kind of want to print some of these out and have them as posters on my wall but I'm sure that'd contravene all SORTS of copyright laws. If there's one thing I will never ever do it's break the law (unless drugs or public sex acts are involved).

Clarrisa Explains It All

Literally all of it. Ever.



See. In the 90's kids could dress like prostitutes and still exude awesomeness from every pore. Nowadays it's just sad.

Also: I heart Sam. I want to skateboard like him, just glide past individuals who are pretending to write their names in mid-air all nonchalant like. I have never mastered the art of nonchalance and it causes me actual physical pain.

Blossom

Everything I know I learned from Blossom.

Fact.

This has to be one of my top five tv title songs ever. It makes me purse my lips and do jazz hands when I'm by myself and singing it in my head. The only issue is that I close my eyes when I'm doing that so it's only a matter of time before someone walks in on me and catches me with my knees bent and butt sticking out shaking my hands in front of me and looking like a deformed Mick Jagger (if I don't post for a while then just assume I've been put away in some kind of secure mental facility after my shameful Blossom theme dance has been discovered). Please note: I do also sing it out loud quite often. It's very catchy. My next door neighbours get a rendition at least once a day when I sing it whilst making my dinner.

Anyway, here it is. It's awesome. Look at the HATS! (I'm buying a new hat this week. I wanna work a Mayim Bialik vibe and I don't care who knows it). GASP! at the modern jazz, MARVEL! at the sixties jive, LEARN! the hippy-hoppish thing she does with Six (and, as a bonus, get to be me aged 13), LOVE! the tap (and try not to do yourself a mischief kicking your leg up high like her if you copy that 'n all).

It's basically like watching me on a night out (although there's no robot-ing or running man so add that in and you're there).

Here we go... and remember, this is just my opinionation.

Josh Groban on the emmys

He nails the rap in Fresh Prince. NAILS it.

Note how there's nothing nowadays that even approaches the legendary status some of these title sequences have. It's a lost art I tells ya.

Matt Berry talks Title Sequences/ Freaks and Geeks

'A great example of something not working in any way at all is probably Hollyoaks. Which is ugly in all ways possible'

Amen sister.

Mr Berry (who happens to be on my 'ugly/sexy' list and I definately would given half a chance in case you were wondering) articulates, much better than I seem to be able to, the simple beauty and truth of a title sequence in how and why it is so important for setting the tone and the mood of the show. I guess maybe that's why the Hollyoaks titles are seemingly designed with the idea of making people's eyes start spontaneously bleeding... yeah, that actually makes sense.

Titles can't make a bad show better but they can make a good show seem worse, or, conversely, push it into greatness.

Now, given my love-affair with smart, sassy American based pop culture, Freaks and Geeks was always going to win my heart. This happens to be not just a good show but a great one from first to last. For those of you that it managed to pass by (which is, sadly, pretty much everyone) it was on around the 1999/2000 mark but set in the early 80's in a Detroit suburb. It was conceived and written by Mr -motherfuckin'-Pool (the 'motherfuckin' was pronounced as silence in the show itself) from Sabrina the Teenage Witch (yeah, I know right!) and was produced by Judd Apatow (who is so hot right now people have been known to achieve third-degree burns just by being in the same room as him). This show gave us our first glimpses of Seth Rogen, Jason Segel, Linda Cardellini as well as plenty of cameos from future legends like Jason Schwartzman, Lizzy Caplan (who played Janis Ian in Mean Girls and is possibly going to take over the world after co-starring in Cloverfield), Shia LeBouf (before his voice, and other things, dropped... neh neh neh *pinches imaginary Shia cheeks and makes pukering 'oh how cute' face like a long lost drunk aunty at a wedding*, David Krumholtz. Loads. I can't say enough good things about this show, but, save this turning into a 10,000 word dissertation on 'like dude, seriously, Freaks and Geeks was, like the best show EVA LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!1'
let's take a look at the titles seeing as that's why we're all here:



Firstly, please note the title music. It's so very rare that a kick-ass song gets used in such a kick-ass way.
Bear in mind the two things we need to set - TONE and MOOD. What does this song tell us from the opening bars? That's right, that this show is going to ROCK and ROCK HARD. I jest but not really, this is a fun, smart-slash-stupid, empowering song about not caring if you fit in with other people's expectations of who or what you should be. If the title of the show itself didn't tip you off then this will - all ye who are dispossessed and don't fit in? It's ok, we're here now. You're not alone anymore.

The beauty of these titles lies in their simplicity. All it is introducing us to all the main players. We are shown a make-shift photo studio, one that very possibly we recognise from our youth as being the site of school pictures - something that we may look back on and laugh but when originally handed to us two to three weeks later, just made us want to run away to the corner of the playing fields and weep gently. Maybe. Still, we know for a fact that photos are about to be taken and can assume that this is set in a high school, especially given the accompanying music. Simple, elegant, informative - all within the first 15 seconds the TONE and MOOD have been set.

Then, and here lie-eth the true genius, we meet everyone we need to know in turn whilst learning a little about their character and get to put names to faces AT THE SAME TIME. Simple, elegant, and can I get a... that's it my friends, INFORMATIVE. At this point I'd just like to mention that it's a testament to the caliber of the acting chops of each of the individuals assembled within this cast that they are able to express so much about their characters within a window of only three-to-five seconds.

We have Linda Cardellini up first looking like a self-aware, lovely, intelligent young woman (by the by if anyone fails to fall body-and-soul in love with her at this point then you my friend, are either a robot from the future or have fallen through the space-time continuum and are from a parallel universe that we over here in our 'verse like to call 'Bizarro-World'), then John Francis Daly geeking it up and geeking it up good. He's gauche yet adorable and likable (side note: FYI for any cougars out there, having seen him make an appearance in an episode of Clark and Michael this is one ugly duckling that grew into a beautiful piece of hot burnin' man love). Then James Franco swaggers into frame looking for all the world like he thinks he's Cock of the Walk. This is obviously the 'cute one', the one we're meant to fall for. Whether a stoner grin and a quick exit will convince the audience remains their choice. I suspect most people who watched this show wouldn't be won over so easily. Sam Levine is next emitting Jewishness from every pore. His smile lets us know that this is the geek joker of the pack. I like him. (I am him). Then it's the turn of the angry young Seth Rogen. God I love him hard. He hates the world, and you, and himself, and doesn't give a fuck if you know it. That's my kind of man baby. After that, Jason Segel bounces in practically in stink-o-vision. I can smell the pot from here. See his smile? See his eyes shifting about like he's not quite sure where he is? S-T-O-N-E-R. I should know. But look, he's all cute and puppyish and playful. He's obviously a good guy. Finally, Martin Starr - King of the Geeks lumbers in. Never has a name been more apt, this dude is a comedy legend (if you've seen Knocked Up he's the one the makes the bet about not shaving his beard for a year to get his rent paid if it means the others can rip the piss as much as they want). I love him because he does look like a proper geek. He doesn't look like a cute-dude-playing-geek. He's just really really geeky. And doesn't care. Rock on say I.

The end shot is of all their photos succinctly summing up who these people are and what their life outlook is. All in all, this is how title sequences should be done. Observe, study, learn. Now go out into the world and make tv shows with title sequences of a similar standard. You owe it us and, most importantly, yourselves.