The Bill

I don't think I've ever (voluntarily) watched The Bill. In a very real, tangible sense, I just don't give a shit. It looks lame. Sometimes, if I am FORCED to sit through the execrable excuse for a telethon 'Children in Need' by so-called 'friends' then I will see all the 'can't get work doing anything else, not even on a proper soap but sometimes panto though that's yearly and doesn't put food on my family after February so what do you expect from me huh?' actors from this show doing a song-and-dance routine to something 'unexpected' (except it's not unexpected is it? They do it every god damned year). Anyway, the word 'meh' was invented to describe my exact feelings on all British soap operas but especially The Bill.

What I don't feel 'meh' about is Bill Bailey. Even when he's talking about The Bill.


I can kinda see (hear) what he means.

Past


Present

Everwood

I hate August. There's nothing on tv and when I work from home I like to have something to watch while I'm eating my lunch (I can't hold a book and utensils at the same time despite years of trying) so it's basically this or stare at my wall. My wall is nice, it's got pictures on it and everything, but I don't always want to spend half an hour staring at it blankly. Sometimes, obviously, just not all the time.

Anyhow, that's why I ended up recording and watching this... how to describe it? Pile of turd is a bit harsh but possibly not far off. I can't work out what sort of tone it is trying to strike or whom it's intended audience is supposed to be. It's about a hot-shot doctor dad who moved to this town called 'Everwood' (no-one has confirmed whether it's named due to it's male inhabitants having a constant erection - but no-one has denied it either so could be the case) after his wife died and he manages to wake this kid up from a coma but the kid is possibly not as well as everyone is making out cos he keeps beating the shit out of people and things?

Barrel of laughs it ain't. But then, every now and again, wacky incidental music will play and you'll know you're meant to find this particular scene gently amusing. Couple of days ago they did it all the way through an episode where an old guy who was a bit loopy confessed to a murder but it turned out the 'victim' was actually a dog. But you already knew that cos the stupid incidental music had already tipped you off so the reveal was less a 'reveal' and more a 'thank God that's over'. Still I watch it. That's what August does to you.

Anyways, these titles make me want to be sick in my mouth. It's so folksy you expect to be given a dreamcatcher through the tv every time it plays. And yet, as I have already stated, I still watch it. Stupid August.

The Chipmunks

Jason Lee is no Dave.

First he breaks my heart by being one of them bloody Scientologist loonies (c.f. 'Beck') THEN he stars as Dave? He wants to break my heart then break my head? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU JASON LEE? WHY HATH YOU FORSOOK ME?

Cartoon theme song kicks ass though amirite? (It is the exact opposite of 'Bad Day' the song which opens the 'live action' film and has been known to make ears bleed)

Round the twist

I could say 'they don't make them like this anymore' but they might. How would I know? Alls I watch is The Hills and The Wire (I refuse to watch any program without a definite article in it). I have seen bits of Raven (that is because I fancy the half crow/half man Raven. Only when he's a crow though obviously*). Still though, they really don't make them like this anymore do they? Do you remember the one where she fell in love with a merman but he wasn't quite a merman yet and he had to wear white gloves to hide his scales and then dived into the sea at the end after they kissed for the first time and it was sad. I do. That was so sad.

On a brighter note, the song is officially the best.


*This is a joke. I'm not some kind of sick bird lover. I like them a normal and healthy amount.

Knot's Landing

So, I was gonna do this thing about how the sound of a sax playing soft jazz makes me feel like I'm wearing leggings and a scrunchie, sat next to my mum on a patterned sofa with her permed hair and face adorned with Deidre Barlow glasses about to watch this. It's a very visceral Proustian rush. I can see the wicker furniture and word processor left open on the dining room table. I smell an M&S lasagne bubbling away in the oven. Even just the 'woooooah' of the 'O' flying over your head and through your tv makes me feel very safe and secure in a little 3 bed semi detached house in a provincial english town. However, 21 seconds in and this happens:


and now I'm back down that darned rabbit hole.

Sorry. What? Alec Baldwin used to be in Knot's Landing? Not MY Alec Baldwin though right? Some other Alec Baldwin surely? There's enough Baldwin brothers that one of them must have been named Alec again after they got through all the other names in the baby book and had to start the naming process again, RIGHT?

NO?!?!

How do I remember everyone else face but never remember him being in it (who could forget Constance McCashin though? Let's be serious about this).

This guy is not a forgettable guy

why has my mind blocked him from this show, the show that along with Moonlighting and Perfect Strangers, makes me feel like a child again (it is possible I was one of those indoorsy type kids).

This is my boyfriend Alec Baldwin, the one I'm going to marry when he gives up acting and becomes a househusband (I am not so sure about the 'mommy works' part of the equation but I'm sure we will figure it out. Our love is strong). How could I not know about this?

Kids, mommy needs a lie down in a darkened room. No no, leave the picture. I'll erm... keep it safe.

P.S. What or where is a Knot's Landing? No one ever explained that to me.