How I Met Your Mother

Short, sweet, and cool.

Just like the Bizarro World version of Ted. However, he did teach me one important thing when learning to drive SCREAMING IS FUUUUUUN!!!

The Cosby Show

That's the worst fucking sweater I've ever seen it's a Cosby sweater, a COSBY sweat-tah. (Haha. Just realised Lisa Bonet is in both those things. Totes unintentional but appropriate reference then. God, I make this shit look easy amirite?)



Remind me to start dancing like Bill next time you see me down the discotheque k?

Birds of a Feather

'Write the feem toon, sing the feem tune'

LOLZ

This theme makes me feel like I've forgotten to do my maths homework and I don't know what the shit I'm sposed to do or how the fuck I'm going to do it. A sinking sad worried ball of knots in my lower tummy feeling. I don't like it.

I do however love Dorian. TRUTHS. That bitch was hella awesome and kind of how I model myself now. We could all learn a little from that whore. DOUBLE TRUTHS.

Soap

Every morning when I open my eyes to a brand new day I would hella love some cheesy voiced dude to do narration of this sort to bring me up to date on events thus far in my life.



This was basically the Arrested Development of its time but with more Billy Crystal and Blossoms dad and less Richie Cunningham. For any math fans out there you can equate it in these terms terms:

(Billy Crystal + Nick Russo - Richie Cunningham) x Flares = Soap

Soap laughs ≠ Arrested Development laughs

Because AD is the best duh. (But Soap was pretty cool too I guess).

Blankety Blank

How fucking futuristic is this shit? Also, I'm pretty sure Terry Wogan's wig is the source of all his powers



I want to go there.

The Simpsons

It seems ridonkulous I haven't done these already. In case you're unaware, they are kinda iconic. For good reason:



Gotta love some Danny Elfman scoring n all.

Animaniacs

Dude, anyone of a certain age knows all the words to this little doozy:



Truth.

'Wakko packs away the snacks / While Bill Clinton plays the sax' might just be the greatest couplet this side of Shakespeare.

Also Dot is Agnes Skinner? WORD. One thousand times WORD.

Family Matters

And stop. Hit mark. And turn and smile. Now you, and you, and you.



Good. Now we all understand the Urkle references in The Simpsons/ Cosby Show et al circa 1989-1998.

I love sassy looks to camera even more (alright, about as much) as I love little dogs in hats. Plus, how effing funky is this song? I am jamming to this sweet tune as we speak (try not to imagine this lest it causes you to be sick in your mouth).

Community

Another paper based title sequence following on from next week. What is it with paper and new shows in 2009? No-one told me it was celebrate paper artistically month (no-one tells me jack). I like this a lot though (from 3.48):



I also like bad raps in broken foreign languages as titles roll at the end.


Nearly as good as this.

Bored to Death

It's not enough for him to act and write but my boyfriend also composed and sings this very cool theme song. Max Fischer needs to REE-LAX amirite?

I'm not sure about Bored to Death yet. On one hand, it's got my boyfriend Max Fischer (akakaka Jason Schwartzman) AND my boyfriend Zach (akaka 'the funny weird one from The Hangover? You fancy him? Um... oooooh kay'), on the other hand; the pilot was uneven AT BEST and though I often find Schwartzman's 'gee, huh? golly' schtick charming it is less charming when there is a girl being held captive and tied to a bed and basically being raped (? I think? There seemed to be that implication) and you are offering to share your pot with the girls captor and 'gee, huh, gollying' all over the place. That seems less cool. I know I'm a hairy-legged humourless feminazi bitch face, and yes these dungarees are chaffing but still, something about that situation doesn't sit well with me.

The titles though? They do sit well with me. And that's what counts right? (That is totally the only thing that ever counts ever. Science)

80 Days Around the World

I have no idea what accent that freak-ass lion is supposed to have. I will not venture an opinion as to why his pupils are so dilated. Maybe that's an issue all anthropomorphic Victorian lions had? Also, that cat has too young a voice to come across as so sexually confident. Fact.

While we're here, many thanks to Iberia - The Airline of Spain. For some reason.

Still, bitching song though. I always sing it when I see Philleas Fogg crisps in the supermarket (much to everyone else's chagrin) andn there is nothing I enjoy more than a cartoon mouth not even attempting to move in time with the cartoon voice. Also fact.

Night Court

If you want to add a touch of class to... well, anything, then start it off with some slap bass. Slap bass is the future (in OppositeLand) (I will never forget when I went with my brother to buy a new bass and the assistant, for some reason, decided to serenade us with some slap bass to illustrate the wonder of the particular bass he was trying to seel. As we left my bro was like '... and now I'm going to be singing the Seinfeld song for the next 24 hours'. Word bro. Word.)

Anyhoo...


I don't know nothing bout Night Court cept it being a feature of a 30 Rock episode and I also recognise John Laroqquette (or however it's spelt, I've had 3 glasses of wine and a heavy meal on a Monday, leave me alone for chrissakes) as being on Chuck and everyone was all 'WOW! John Lacroquette! Citing!' ('everyone' = 'the internet') and I was all 'who?' but now I sorrt of know I guess. Anyway, 'mazing this. I really miss the way sitcom titles used to be colon left-hand parenthesis.

Nurses

Even if you came from a long time ago in a galaxy far far away the minute you watched this you would be all 'early 90's american sitcom' nary within the first two seconds of viewing this tv title sequence. Because seriously? Seriously. While the rest of the world sank into an ever increasing economic and literal depression - Prozac-ed up the eyeballs whilst wearing DMs and ripped jeans from Oxfam - American TV stuck resolutely to the idea that what we needed was MORE sitcoms with people smiling and nodding to camera. To be fair, I find nothing more soothing than a lady singing an anodyne song whilst people smile and nod at me. Maybe that IS what the world needs more of. Hollywood execs - our happiness (i.e. 'unquestioning compliance and sedation through the tv medium') depends on you!

Also, holy shazzbot! Florence Stanley was in this too? Chick got around!

The Bill

I don't think I've ever (voluntarily) watched The Bill. In a very real, tangible sense, I just don't give a shit. It looks lame. Sometimes, if I am FORCED to sit through the execrable excuse for a telethon 'Children in Need' by so-called 'friends' then I will see all the 'can't get work doing anything else, not even on a proper soap but sometimes panto though that's yearly and doesn't put food on my family after February so what do you expect from me huh?' actors from this show doing a song-and-dance routine to something 'unexpected' (except it's not unexpected is it? They do it every god damned year). Anyway, the word 'meh' was invented to describe my exact feelings on all British soap operas but especially The Bill.

What I don't feel 'meh' about is Bill Bailey. Even when he's talking about The Bill.


I can kinda see (hear) what he means.

Past


Present

Everwood

I hate August. There's nothing on tv and when I work from home I like to have something to watch while I'm eating my lunch (I can't hold a book and utensils at the same time despite years of trying) so it's basically this or stare at my wall. My wall is nice, it's got pictures on it and everything, but I don't always want to spend half an hour staring at it blankly. Sometimes, obviously, just not all the time.

Anyhow, that's why I ended up recording and watching this... how to describe it? Pile of turd is a bit harsh but possibly not far off. I can't work out what sort of tone it is trying to strike or whom it's intended audience is supposed to be. It's about a hot-shot doctor dad who moved to this town called 'Everwood' (no-one has confirmed whether it's named due to it's male inhabitants having a constant erection - but no-one has denied it either so could be the case) after his wife died and he manages to wake this kid up from a coma but the kid is possibly not as well as everyone is making out cos he keeps beating the shit out of people and things?

Barrel of laughs it ain't. But then, every now and again, wacky incidental music will play and you'll know you're meant to find this particular scene gently amusing. Couple of days ago they did it all the way through an episode where an old guy who was a bit loopy confessed to a murder but it turned out the 'victim' was actually a dog. But you already knew that cos the stupid incidental music had already tipped you off so the reveal was less a 'reveal' and more a 'thank God that's over'. Still I watch it. That's what August does to you.

Anyways, these titles make me want to be sick in my mouth. It's so folksy you expect to be given a dreamcatcher through the tv every time it plays. And yet, as I have already stated, I still watch it. Stupid August.

The Chipmunks

Jason Lee is no Dave.

First he breaks my heart by being one of them bloody Scientologist loonies (c.f. 'Beck') THEN he stars as Dave? He wants to break my heart then break my head? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU JASON LEE? WHY HATH YOU FORSOOK ME?

Cartoon theme song kicks ass though amirite? (It is the exact opposite of 'Bad Day' the song which opens the 'live action' film and has been known to make ears bleed)

Round the twist

I could say 'they don't make them like this anymore' but they might. How would I know? Alls I watch is The Hills and The Wire (I refuse to watch any program without a definite article in it). I have seen bits of Raven (that is because I fancy the half crow/half man Raven. Only when he's a crow though obviously*). Still though, they really don't make them like this anymore do they? Do you remember the one where she fell in love with a merman but he wasn't quite a merman yet and he had to wear white gloves to hide his scales and then dived into the sea at the end after they kissed for the first time and it was sad. I do. That was so sad.

On a brighter note, the song is officially the best.


*This is a joke. I'm not some kind of sick bird lover. I like them a normal and healthy amount.

Knot's Landing

So, I was gonna do this thing about how the sound of a sax playing soft jazz makes me feel like I'm wearing leggings and a scrunchie, sat next to my mum on a patterned sofa with her permed hair and face adorned with Deidre Barlow glasses about to watch this. It's a very visceral Proustian rush. I can see the wicker furniture and word processor left open on the dining room table. I smell an M&S lasagne bubbling away in the oven. Even just the 'woooooah' of the 'O' flying over your head and through your tv makes me feel very safe and secure in a little 3 bed semi detached house in a provincial english town. However, 21 seconds in and this happens:


and now I'm back down that darned rabbit hole.

Sorry. What? Alec Baldwin used to be in Knot's Landing? Not MY Alec Baldwin though right? Some other Alec Baldwin surely? There's enough Baldwin brothers that one of them must have been named Alec again after they got through all the other names in the baby book and had to start the naming process again, RIGHT?

NO?!?!

How do I remember everyone else face but never remember him being in it (who could forget Constance McCashin though? Let's be serious about this).

This guy is not a forgettable guy

why has my mind blocked him from this show, the show that along with Moonlighting and Perfect Strangers, makes me feel like a child again (it is possible I was one of those indoorsy type kids).

This is my boyfriend Alec Baldwin, the one I'm going to marry when he gives up acting and becomes a househusband (I am not so sure about the 'mommy works' part of the equation but I'm sure we will figure it out. Our love is strong). How could I not know about this?

Kids, mommy needs a lie down in a darkened room. No no, leave the picture. I'll erm... keep it safe.

P.S. What or where is a Knot's Landing? No one ever explained that to me.

Veronica Mars

If you call this 'tv for girls' I will kick you in the face (I probably won't kick you in the face, I do yoga sporadically and even then - chubby girls ain't never gonna make it as ninjas). This rivals The Wire for characterisation, overall story telling and being honest. Though, maybe not 'honest' in the way The Wire is (i.e. 'this shit actually goes down'). I don't know of too many high schools that have motorcycle gang leaders from the wrong side of the tracks AS WELL AS the offspring of famous movie stars but then, I don't know many high schools full stop. I live in a provincial town on the south coast of England. For all I know Baltimore is in fact all white picket fences and ticker tape parades rather than drug dealers and violent crime. What the fuck do I know you know?

Fact is. I love this show. And I love the titles. Fits 'like a glove' as Ace Ventura would say (1994 called, they want their pop culture reference back)

The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin

Simple but efffective and Leonard Rossiter gets his kit off. All topped off with a 1970's 'plinkplonk' noise at the end (there is no sound so 1970's as the BBC 'plinkplonk' noise. Deal with it Rick Wakeman). Could you want for anything else?

Maybe this:


I bloody love Cinzano Bianco. Maybe even as much as I love Joan Collins (which is a lot).