Early Edition

I'm not someone who lives by a lot of rules (this is a lie) but I do abide by one:

If it's narrated by Fisher Stevens then back away. BACK THE FUCK AWAY.



It does raise some interesting questions though, what would I do if a cat delivered my newspaper every morning and my best friend was Fisher Stevens? Kill myself probably. I can't think of any other course of action one could take really.

Beauty and the Beast

This wins in the 'making you throw up in your mouth' category. Like, a lot. It will make you throw up in your mouth a LOT.



From the moment I saw her she captured my heart; her beauty, her warmth and her really shit clothes. I don't care if it's the 80's you're automatically banned from walking through patio doors all wistfully in a white dress with matching long cardigan that has SHOULDER COVERS. It looks like my great-granny's sofa arm covers. That she crocheted herself. At age 93. And now you're wearing ON YOURSELF. Whoops. People can actually see you. BACK THROUGH THOSE DOORS AND GET CHANGED OR COME THROUGH THEM LOOKING LESS SMUG. Those are your choices 'Katherine', deal with it.

And feel your heart break as she smiles knowingly to herself AT A DRAIN. Jesus woman, you're like 30? There's no suitable guys in New York so you have to start dating the hairy ones that live down sewers? I'm not judging, I could do with all the help I can get in that arena, what do you reckon the chances are of me finding one of those in the Portsmouth area? Uh Katherine... can you hear me? Or are you just going to go into a subpar Jackie Collins-esque monologue... Right. Ok. Fine.

... Although we can never be together we will never ever be apart. Except for when you are actually apart right? Apart from those times.

I did not know that this was Hellboy. Brain doctors, you're services are needed cos my mind has just been blown.

(I will never admit to anyone, no matter how much torture is inflicted, how much I used to love this show. I was a weirdly sincere kid for how cynical, bitter and sarcastic I actually turned out)

My Two Dads

How did I get two dads?

Because we live in a society that now welcomes diversity of all types and encourages children to be brought up in a loving two-parent home regardless of the gender of those parents?

WRONG! You effing hippy. They inherited me silly!

Now I have one dad who's down to earth - but happens to be Paul Reiser - bad luck I know, and the other has his head in the clouds. And also a mullet upon that head. Don't say it, I already know.

Did I mention we live in an apartment owned by the judge who made all this happe? And 'she' lives in our apartment building. That's pretty messed up right? You'd think so given the complex emotions involved with family law but to be honest, 'she's' sassy enough that all it usually leads to is hilarity. That, and the occasional life lesson which both me and my two dads learn from.

Did I mention the also-sassy cafe owner we regularly frequent is played by a guy called Dick Butkus? That's actually his real name and not a prank call Bart made to Moe. Swear to god you guys.

Also, if we're honest, you might not be able to count on me but you CAN count on the following things:
- Cosby sweaters
- fake doodling as picture frames
- jazzy saxaphone music

Mostly because it's the 90's and this is how we do things here.

Dexter

This is one of the more elegant contemporary title sequences on offer today.

Simple yet effective and perfect for the show that follows.



(Thanks to Tim for the suggestion)

Models Inc.

Worst show ever?

The titles certainly seem to suggest so.

Greatest American Hero

You're trying to tell me you don't know what this is?

But... but... didn't you grow up in America in the very early 80's?

No, me neither. I wasn't even a foetus when this was first aired let alone capable of conscious thought.Yet, curiously, this is oftentimes what I find being my brain screensaver (the song that goes round your head when you're not thinking about anything else).

Observe.





Yeeah. All of that just happened.

Seriously. It happened.

The guy who's youtube channel I pilfered this off describes G.A.H. in extremely succinct, and exciting terms:

'A teacher is asked to be a superhero using a special alien suit with powers he can barely understand or control, after losing the instruction manual. He is aided by a Government Agent. Along with his lawyer girlfriend, they together figure out not only how to control the suit, but to right wrongs. Very great show!!'

Very great show indeed. How could it not be with that premise? That's basically the premise of every great work of art from the last 250 years. Fact.

I think what I enjoy the most is that the aliens are obviously big Ku Klux Klan fans as this is where they have stolen their imagery.

Ku Klux Klan symbol:




Wacky alien spacesuit symbol:

Aliens are so racist. It's all magical spacesuits and marginalising people based on the colour of their skin or religious beliefs with them. Those are the only things that the aliens are interested in. It gets a bit boring after a while.

Still though, even with a magic KKK suit that Ayran hero William Katt uses to 'right the wrongs' of the world in (with hilarious consequences) it still led to the world to this, my favourite of favourites:

Lost

Ladies and Gentlemen THIS is how it's done.



And I mean everything. This is how everything must be done now; breathing, crochet, shoes. Name something, anything. Right, this is how that now has to be done.

Just so we're clear.